Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

A Short Story.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school