Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.