Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous