Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?