me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
bears
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.