Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

best review i’ve ever seen

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?