Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

channeling her this year

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Schrödinger’s cookie

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”