Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Just parrot things
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
