Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
You Might Also Like
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’M CRYINGGG
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient