Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too