Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

How do you like your Corgi?

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

excuse me

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

there’s music for literally every activity

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase