Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
same vibe as tangled headphones
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?