Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
necessity is the mother of invention
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days