Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.