Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A dad and his duck
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
That 👊
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.