Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.


I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.


Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.


Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?


ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy


I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers


Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!


How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

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