I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
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her: i just got a call from my doctor
me: what did he say
her: that we got a baby coming
me: but we haven’t had sex
her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.
Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’m not insulting you..
I’m describing you..
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.