@pilau

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

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@elle91

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

@Dustinkcouch

her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

@Lowenaffchen

Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*

@Darlainky

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

@caseytduncan

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@abi4205

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.