ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k