Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

This came to me in a dream.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

his wife is probably gonna see that

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am