Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Hmmmmmmm….

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple