Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

my name if I was in the mob

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.