(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
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Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
ok like just. call me at this point
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year