Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha