Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*files a restraining order against reality*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁