Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

This is sending me to another galaxy

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”