me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Important reminders
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.