me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
For the baby who has everything
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
oh my god
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Woke up against my better judgment again
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭