Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.