Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess