Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Pizza is an emotion right?

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!