Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

My new favorite headline

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity