Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.