Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

WHO DID THIS?

hackers play passwordle

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Plumber: I think I found the problem

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.