Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

about to have the best blueberries of my life

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Taco Bell, Exit 22

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

I WON A HAM TODAY

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid