Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.