Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
This might be the funniest tweet ever
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.