Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I went from rags to one rag.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
