Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

When I said I liked it rough.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE