Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now