Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”