ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Safety first
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
monday
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!