ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.