ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Just parrot things
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird