ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Feels like the fourth month in January
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.