ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking