Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

🙂🙃🥹

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.