ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Jupiter
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.