Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Hello Twits.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know