Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.