Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.