Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.