Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

see next tweet for some translations

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Good morning

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Doug is just Canadian for dog

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal