Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.