Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.