Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

step 6: release the wall snake

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.