ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
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Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Just say no
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: