ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?