Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
A Monday every week is excessive
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass