Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I am thick and tired. 🙄
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.