Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
choose your fighter
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
