Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!