@bonehugsnirony

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

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@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

@samalmightysam

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@AsgardianRose

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog