Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
You Might Also Like
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog