Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
liiiiiiiiike
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!