Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat