[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
🙋♀️
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
The fall of Netflix
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.