Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.

But they blew it.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total