Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

kitchen magnet

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

Batman v Dracula

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing