Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything