Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”