Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.