Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
