Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Squirrels before girls.

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems